Saturday, August 2, 2014

First World Problems.

David and I were on our way to the mall yesterday and he looks at me and says, "You haven't posted on your blog for a while."

There are several reasons for this. The main reason is that my child stopped sleeping. She. Stopped. Sleeping. She was up every two hours, then up for good at 6 AM. For MONTHS. I am lucky to be alive. I certainly did not have the energy for blogging. I didn't want to share this with anyone, and I'll tell you why. I was trying to get advice from people about how to get her to sleep, and about 75% of them just said "Oh I'm so glad that I didn't have to deal with that." In hindsight, that response is really not that big of a deal, but when you say it to somebody who hasn't slept for more than 3 hours at a time for at least 3 months, it's basically the worst thing you could possibly say to them. I felt like I was telling people, "Oh I have to get my leg cut off tomorrow," and they responded with, "Oh thank God I've never had to get my leg cut off." That might sound a little dramatic to people who have never been sleep deprived. To those who have been through this, I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from. 

Anyways, she sleeps now, so I guess it's time to start blogging again. I told David that I haven't been blogging because our computer shuts off randomly, and it's very frustrating. So he suggested that I blog about first world problems, considering that a computer that shuts off randomly is the epitome of first world problems. 

First world problems really came to my attention about a year ago. I was with my friend Anna and a lady in front of us in line was ordering a sandwich. She asked if they had any sheep cheese. They didn't have sheep cheese, and based on the woman's reaction, you would think somebody had just killed her dog. How DARE they not have sheep cheese. Anna looks at me and says, "You know, I was watching a documentary the other day about how some people in Africa are having to take the goat skin off the roofs of their huts because they don't have anything else to eat, and this lady is complaining about sheep cheese." It started to put things in perspective for me, and I thought to myself that even though sometimes a restaurant doesn't have exactly what I want, at least they have food. Not everybody is that fortunate.

But of course, it slipped my mind after a little while, which itself is a first world problem. It came to my attention again when David and I decided to go on diets. I opted to just be a normal person, and limit my calories and exercise. Of course David, being the all or nothing kind of guy that he is, decided to go on the Atkins diet. Don't get me wrong, he has lost 40 pounds, and that's all fine and good, but it got me thinking about first world problems again.

Dieting is a first world problem. Now, hear me out. I know that food and weight can be a real struggle for people, I know that. But in the developed world, we actually have SO MUCH FOOD, that we have to pay agencies like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Nutrisystem to show us how to not eat too much food. Anybody ever noticed those labels on the side of everything we eat? That are on there? For free? That tell you how many calories you are taking in? How much fat? Sugar? Ah, yes, the Nutrition Facts. Read those.

But back to the Atkins diet. David was doing research on this and he told me that in the "induction phase," he can lose up to 15 pounds in two weeks from eliminating all carbs and going into something called ketosis. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it has something to do with your body burning fat, like, while you're sitting around watching TV. Or something like that. Anyways, after he got into "ketosis," he started dropping at least a pound a day. 

And I know this, because he felt the need to wake me up every morning at 4 AM when he was getting ready for work to let me how much weight he lost since the day before.

David: "Laura! Wake up! I've lost two pounds since yesterday!"
Me: "Wow, that seems like a bit much"
David: "Well I know I'm doing it right, because I tested my ketone levels and they're very high."
Me: "What's a ketone level?"
David: Well, I forgot exactly what he said, because it was 4 in the morning, but I remember being slightly concerned.
Me: "Okay, well you are losing like 6 pounds a week, and by the way you smell like you are dying. Are you sure this is a good idea?"
David: "Shut up Laura"
Me: "OK"

My diet plan has just been reasonable eating and moderate exercise, and I've lost 47 pounds since I had Annabelle. People are always asking me, "What diet are you on?" I explain that I'm just doing things in moderation. Extreme diets are NOT for me. I did the Atkins diet once, and I thought I was going to die. I was only on it for 12 hours, and 8 of those hours I was asleep. It ended with me almost having a nervous breakdown, followed by eating an entire Hershey bar and then crying in my car. As soon as David mentioned the word Atkins, I ate 3 cookies. 

I don't know exactly how much more weight I want to lose. I was watching MTV Jams last night (that's right) and started thinking that I could stop where I am in my weight loss and just become a rap video star. David shot that idea down REALLY FAST, so I guess my rap video star dreams ended before they even started. 

I hope this post has been as good as the others. I was worried that because I'm getting hot again, I might not be as funny. It is very rare to be attractive AND funny, and my best friend Liz has been the only one I have ever seen pull this off.

1 comment:

  1. This whole post makes me think you should do stand-up comedy!