Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Oh boy, another post!

Holy schnikes! My blog has had over 120 views. I have a short attention span and had all but forgotten that I even started a blog until I got that notification in my inbox. The pressure's on now.

I didn't know what I should blog about today, because I didn't really do anything, except that I forgot I had a doctor's appointment until 20 minutes before I was supposed to be there and it was a mad dash to get myself and the baby there in one piece, but I did it. I brought the baby and of course she was adorable and everyone loved her, but I got some criticism about my parenting, as I usually do when I leave the house. 

"Isn't it too cold to bring the baby out?"
"Her cheeks are red from the wind"
"Don't put the baby's face near that space heater she might get third degree burns"

I'm mostly kidding about that last one. But seriously, people need to mind their own business. So, I was inspired to make a post about how people seem to forget their manners at home whenever they see a pregnant woman or a woman with an infant. I will enlighten you all on my opinion of these off color comments.

When pregnant, these were my favorite remarks/comments/questions.

"Are you going to have the baby naturally or are you having a C-section?"
What on God's green earth is up with this question? Why do you care? Does this affect your day to day life? And not only that, but no matter how I answer this question, you're either going to visualize me sliced open on an operating table or pushing a person out of my vagina. No thanks.

"Are you going to breastfeed?"
Again, why is this any of your business? And it's always the first question people ask when you announce you're expecting. I don't know, I've been pregnant for like five minutes, the baby is the size of a poppy seed. Stop talking to me.

"Are you sure it's not twins?"
Yes, I'm sure. As was the ultrasound technician with her fancy machine that LOOKS INSIDE MY INTERNAL ORGANS. Did you look inside my internal organs with a fancy macine? No? Then shut up. It's also a way of implying that I'm huge. I know I'm huge. I can see myself. Now go away.

"That's going to be a big baby."
Um, no. She's just regular sized. I'm assuming by saying this you are again implying that I'm huge, which again, I'm aware of, but thank you for drawing attention to it.

"Are you going to get an epidural?"
What do you mean am I going to get an epidural? Why wouldn't I get an epidural? Last time I checked, nobody gives out gold medals or cash prizes if you give birth without pain medications. I'm not trying to be a hero.

***Back story on this one: I developed pregnancy induced hypertension at 32 weeks with Annabelle, and then preeclampsia at 37 weeks and was induced. Now THIS...this...was my favorite comment I got.**

"Oh, you know, medical inductions can be so stressful on the baby. I have a friend whose preeclampsia is actually getting better, she really wants to go into labor naturally and is planning a beautiful home water birth. Maybe it will get better for you."
Huh? Get better? Are you high? Yes, it will get better when I am induced and have the baby, dumbass. I'm glad your friend's preeclampsia is "getting better." Tell her she's doing the right thing, because people never die from preeclampsia. OH WAIT, yes they do. Now take your birthing pool and essential oils and get out of my way.

I thought that all this fun would be over when I had the baby, but much to my dismay, it got worse.

"Oh just wait until..."
I am so over hearing this. I can't share any exciting milestones with anybody without them saying "Just wait until..." When does this end? Like I'm going to become a great grandmother and people will say "Just wait until you have great great grandchildren." No thanks, I plan to be dead before I'm 112. 

"She's so small! My daughter was always in the 99th percentile for weight!"
Cool. Sorry my baby is of average size. But seriously, this one really baffles me. I understand that we all want babies who are growing and thriving, I get that. But what I don't understand is this: at some point in our children's lives, we don't want them to be larger than 99% of people their age. At what point does the bragging about how large children are stop? Because I've never met anybody who said "Oh yes, my 23 year old is 550 pounds! He's in the 98th percentile for weight!"

"Are you really bringing her out in public this early?"
Yes, she will be fine. I'm not going to be that weird mom who sits at home with her baby, afraid to leave the house for months. That's ridiculous, and I simply don't have time for all that nonsense. Yes, I went to the grocery store when the baby was 5 days old. I needed blue cheese, and I didn't trust David to buy the right kind. Besides, she's breastfed (I'm actually shocked that she didn't ask me that too), so she's practically indestructible. 

"Are you really bringing the baby out in this weather?"
Yes I'm really bringing the baby out in this weather. What a stupid question. Obviously, she's out in this weather because you can see that she is with me, outside, in this weather. She'll be fine, I promise. It's not like I'm taking her out in a bathing suit in the middle of January.

In conclusion, don't ask a pregnant woman what route her baby will make its exit. Don't ask if she's breastfeeding. Some women truly can't breastfeed no matter how much they want to, and it can be a very sore subject. As long as she's feeding the baby SOMETHING, it's really none of your business. Don't tell a pregnant woman she's huge. If you put on a few pounds, how would you feel if I walked up to you at the Harris Teeter and yelled "Whoa! You're getting huge!" The answer is horrible, you would feel horrible. Don't criticize a stranger's parenting, at least not to their face. Wait until they leave and then call a friend and talk crap about them, like any respectable person would. The only time you need to be concerned is if you see a baby being abused, then by all means, do something then. 

DISCLAIMER: I know that in my first post, I let everyone know that any off color comments I made are not a reflection on my mother's parenting. I would like to retract that statement, at least temporarily. I wanted to go to her house today and raid her pantry and do my laundry for free. Instead she went out of town. Now I have to eat my own food and pay to do the laundry at the laundromat, and I'm not happy about it.

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