Sunday, March 16, 2014

The People Have Spoken

Well folks, the people have spoken. There has been an overwhelming demand for me to start a blog. At first, I didn't know if I should accept the challenge. Writing hilarious one-liners on Facebook is easy as pie, but was I up for being that witty for a couple paragraphs? I guess we'll find out.

My main reason for starting this blog is because I am sick of people telling me I need to start a blog. The second is that my main downfall is that a lot of people don't understand my humor. If I accidentally offend someone, I will try to fix it by continuing to talk, which never works, so after I have offended somebody, I have also insulted their haircut, outfit, and ugly children all in the same breath. My deadpan sense of humor just works better written out, with a filter.

For example, my latest conversation about starting a blog went a little something like this:
Guy: "You know Laura, you're hysterical on Facebook, you should really start a blog."
Me: "Thanks, Guy, but I have a four month old. My only guaranteed free time is from 7:00 -8:30 AM, and unfortunately that time slot is all booked up with reruns of Dog the Bounty Hunter, but thank you for acknowledging that I am hysterical."
Guy: "Are you sure you wouldn't think about doing it? If your blog gets popular, sometimes people will want to put advertisements on your blog and you can make money from it."
Me: "Really now? Of course it will get wildly popular, what kind of money are we talking?"
Guy: "I'm not sure, at least 20 dollars a month probably."
Me: "Wow, 20 dollars a month? Splendid! I've done a lot more for a lot less, how do I get started?"

This is a prime example of why I should stick to posting on Facebook and just not interact with people face to face AT ALL.

With that being said, it's no secret that I'm destined for greatness, possibly even stardom. Unfortunately, I am carrying around a few extra pounds and I think that anonymous Internet fame would be the best avenue to take right now.

Also, it's time to stop using my baby as an excuse for not doing things. When I was pregnant, I dreamed of having this baby who only wanted to be held by me, cried when I left the room, and was hanging off of my boob all the time. Instead, I got a baby who doesn't even notice when I leave the house, and she has a strictly business relationship with my boob. But, I still use her as an excuse for why I'm late, or that I can't do things. Last month, I was late picking up a friend. I told her that the baby was fussy and I had to feed her before I left. But in reality, I had just bought a variety pack of lunch meat, and a variety pack of sliced cheese, and I was sitting at the kitchen table sampling different lunch meats with the different sliced cheeses to see which ones would pair the best while Annabelle was staring at the pattern on the couch, and time got away from me.

Hopefully, I will be able to post often on this blog. And I'm sure I will, until the new season of Dog and Beth: On the Hunt premieres on CMT.

DISCLAIMER: I'm sure my mother and her friends will be reading this. Like I said earlier, I have a dry sense of humor. Any off color statements or jokes I make are no reflection on her parenting. I certainly wasn't raised that way.

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